


Tobi Wants a Halloween Party

by zubateatscakes



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Drunken Shenanigans, Halloween, Humor, Jashinism, M/M, Mild Language, Party, do not take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-17 01:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21258074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zubateatscakes/pseuds/zubateatscakes
Summary: “Shouldn’t—you know—you Akatsuki walk in pair?”The orange-masked fellow titled his head bemusedly, his red-clouded black cloak waving about in the October’s cold breeze. He was gripping a pumpkin bag filled to the brim with candies and chocolates. He took a candy and popped it into his mouth so quickly that nobody could have seen his face when he tilted his mask. “But Tobi wants a Halloween party.”“Shouldn’t you criminals, you know, try to take thejinchuuriki?” Naruto asked warily.“Tobi is a good boy!”“So nojinchuurikihunt tonight?”“Nope!” said Tobi.Or, Akatsuki visits Naruto for a Halloween party.
Relationships: Akatsuki & Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi/Tobi (Naruto), Hatake Kakashi/Tobi/Zetsu, Hatake Kakashi/Zetsu, Hidan/Uzumaki Naruto, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tobi/Zetsu (Naruto)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 132





	Tobi Wants a Halloween Party

**Author's Note:**

> Uhm. This should be a Halloween story. Yeah well, the idea came to me at like 3-4 a.m. tonight.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

It was the night of Halloween, and Naruto was once again alone in the depressing silence of his flat. He could hear the faint bustling of the teeming streets in the districts nearby. The old red light district—the one he was now residing in—was all but abandoned. After all, nobody wanted to live with the _demon brat_, although the only demonic thing he had was the constant voice in his head. That, and the tailed beast whose voice belonged to, but the beast was sealed, so he should be as much a demon as a scroll was the contents that were sealed in it. Namely, not in the slightest.

He sighed and turned around in his bed. He was thinking that it might be better if he went to sleep when he heard a knock on the door. Naruto jolted out of his bed. It could be someone who wanted to ask him trick or treat! They might even want to spend time with him! Then, he remembered that nobody in his short life had come by his house for the Halloween night, so it was highly unlikely, but it could be a new mission from the Hokage herself.

There was another rapping at the door. Naruto shuffled around to find his slippers and walked towards the sound. “Coming!”

What—or _who_—he found when he opened the door wasn’t exactly what he expected. Contrary to a normal ninja’s honed survival skills, he asked, “Shouldn’t—you know—you Akatsuki walk in pair?”

The orange-masked fellow titled his head bemusedly, his red-clouded black cloak waving about in the October’s cold breeze. He was gripping a pumpkin bag filled to the brim with candies and chocolates. He took a candy and popped it into his mouth so quickly that nobody could have seen his face when he tilted his mask. “But Tobi wants a Halloween party.”

“Shouldn’t you criminals, you know, try to take the _jinchuuriki_?” Naruto asked warily.

“Tobi is a good boy!”

“So no _jinchuuriki_ hunt tonight?”

“Nope!” said Tobi. Although his rigid mask covered every facial feature except for his right eye, the nine-tailed fox’s container had the distinct, eerie and uncanny feeling that Tobi was giddily grinning from ear to ear.

Kurama, the mighty demon fox, chuckled and created spiritual popcorns in his cage. This was shaping up to be more promising than his kit’s pranks. Who was he, the almighty demon, not to enjoy a good show?

“Well then, come on in. It’s not like I have anything better to do tonight. I don’t have much to party with though.”

“Yay!” Tobi said cheerfully as he barged in. “Don’t worry! Tobi is a good organiser! And we have candies!”

“That, we do,” Naruto commented with a chuckle, eyeing the bag that now rested on his table. He looked around his house to take in how messy it was. _Very_. Well, he really didn’t expect guests.

He made four shadow clones and ordered them to clean the house up. “Instant ramen?”

Tobi, if possible, became even more cheerful, so Naruto made them two cups of ramen. At some point during their meal, the clones dispersed, and Tobi and Naruto moved near the television to watch a Halloween baking show.

Half an hour later, a rap at the door distracted them from the TV.

“Guest!” Tobi cheerfully shouted and went to let the guest in. It was a blue-haired woman with a paper flower pinned in her bun. She looked stern and discontented, although her face showed hints of past and lost kindness. Tobi greeted her in the same way a dog greeted his human friends. Naruto could almost swear he had seen him with a tail that swagged around. “Konan! You’re here!”

“The Leader cannot join us today,” she said. “He’s doing paperworks.”

“Boo. Boring,” Tobi whined.

Konan turned to the Naruto and examined him for a whole minute before speaking, “You’re the kid that keeps shouting around that he’ll be Hokage, aren’t you? You know it’s time-consuming and mostly paperwork, right?”

“The clones can take care of that, though,” Naruto commented. He hadn’t really thought about that when the Third Hokage had been still alive, but after Tsunade became the Fifth Hokage, he’d started thinking about his dream from a more realistic point of view.

“Konan! Konan! Can you make origamis to decorate this place for the party? Please! Please!” Tobi asked as he popped another candy in his mouth.

Konan sighed and resigned herself to her new task while the two loud ninjas watched her make Halloween-themed origami at high speed with awe. They cooed on every new creation—be it a simple cobweb, a spider, a pumpkin or a paper zombie—before taking off and giving it a place in the flat.

She let out a chuckle. It had been a long time since she could just relax herself like that.

“Hey brat! We’re here for the party!” the loud, brash voice of Hoshigaki Kisame reached their ears as he and his partner—Itachi Uchiha—barged in. He unsealed a few plates full of sashimi and sushi on the table from the scroll on his waist.

Itachi let out a hum to state more or less the same concept, though it sounded far more polite. Uchihas and their elegance. Kurama chuckled at the thought.

“Isn’t it kind of cannibalism though?” Naruto pondered aloud. “I mean, you’re a fish!”

“Kisame is a fish! Kisame is a fish!” Tobi chanted as he stuffed his mouth of raw fish and chocolates.

“I’m not a fish!” Kisame shouted and drew his trusty sword, Samehada, to kill his dumb colleague.

“Hey, hey, hey! No homicide inside, for the Love of Ramen! You know how hard it is to remove blood? Are you willing to clean up after you’re done?” Naruto rebuked the shark-like criminal, who flinched and sheathed his sword, disgusted by the idea of cleaning up blood from he flat. “Yeah, thought so.”

“Yay! Tobi likes Naruto!”

“Tobi _likes _you, brat” Kisame guffawed. “Are you two going to kiss?”

“Tobi likes Kisame too!” Tobi added playfully.

This time, it was Naruto’s turn to laugh. He fully understood the game Tobi was playing, so he decided to play along, “So, Fish-man. Tobi _likes _you. When will I have Fish-nephews?”

Kisame paled, and Itachi asked, “Nephews?”

“Naruto is Tobi’s Ramen brother!”

“Ramen Bro!” Naruto cheered gleefully and fist-bumped with the secret true leader of Akatsuki.

Itachi sighed and unsealed some cooking ingredients from a scroll before going into the kitchen alcove to prepare biscuits. Tobi and Naruto jumped on Kisame’s shoulder much to his chagrin, and they had him walk towards his ninja’s partner to watch the baking live show, both awestruck by Itachi’s cooking prowess. Konan joined them as soon as she finished decorating the flat.

“More! More!” the loudmouthed ninjas chanted as the first three batches of cookies went into the oven.

Itachi chuckled softly and looked at them, who were still shamelessly perched on Kisame’s shoulder. They looked like his brother before the day Uchiha Massacre. He decided to humour them. It might be selfish, but he wanted to feel as he felt with his younger brother at least once more. He’d already lost everything for the village. He could at least have this.

***

“Shut up, Hidan, or I’ll cut off your tongue and feed it to the dogs!” said a deep voice from the doorway of Naruto’s flat.

“Fuck you, Kakuzu!” a male in his early twenties—Hidan—bellowed before unsealing enough beer, sake and liqueur to send half the ninja population of an average hidden village into coma. “We’ve brought alcohol, you fucking heretics!”

“Isn’t it a bit too much?” Konan asked warily while Tobi cheered and chanted, “Alcohol! Alcohol!”

“Halloween is a holy day for the Lord of Slaughter Jashin. We have to fucking honour Him and brutally celebrate it with alcohol and murder,” Hidan stated ceremoniously. “Since I know that many of you are disgusting, spineless wimps, I’ve already taken care of the murder part for everyone.”

“You kill and drink everyday anyway, where’s the difference?” Kakuzu deadpanned.

“Well, ex-fucking-cuse me for being a devout follower!”

“More like a poor excuse for an alcoholic masochistic.”

“Don’t insult Lord Jashin’s teachings, you money whore!” Hidan shouted as he drew his triple-bladed scythe and launched himself at his Akatsuki partner.

“Hey! No killing inside!” Naruto whined, expecting the blade to connect with that Stitch Dude Kakuzu and stain the floor with blood, but it didn’t happen.

Tobi teleported right beside Hidan and yanked him back by the arm before sternly admonishing him, “Try again and I’ll rip you into so many pieces that even a Nara would not be able to put you back together.”

The atmosphere around them turned gelid and dangerous. Everyone looked at the usually cheerful and loud masked ninja bewilderedly and warily. They, of course, were aware that Akatsuki was composed only by a few of the strongest and most deadly rogue ninjas ever existed, but they had never seen Tobi serious on his job and unconsciously underestimated him. Suddenly, in the same way the air turned cold, it was gone, and Tobi was once again his childish and cheerful self. “Tobi wants a cookie!”

Kakuzu, having lived his fair share of years, was the first to shrug it off, and walked towards the host. “I’m sorry for my stupid partner. I must congratulate you on your house. It’s shitty and dilapidated.”

“Uh… Thanks, I guess?”

“I’m serious. It was the most wise decision for a ninja. The rent must be really cheap!” he explained and looked at the _jinchuuriki_ with a hint of respect in his green eyes.

“Ehm… Uhm… About that… I kind of haven’t had a choice? It’s the only house they let me rent, and I have to pay almost twice as much as a normal flat… You know, the whole demon brat thing and demons not deserving a nice life, so… Uhm?” Naruto said sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head, not really comfortable with this conversation, “Not exactly cheap.”

“I see. Do you want me to kill the owner? I can do it for free if he’s a civilian.”

“Eh… I’ll pass it up. You know, killing the people of my village while being a ninja to protect it is kind of counterproductive.”

“I see. If I beat and threaten him into giving the ownership of this flat instead?” Kakuzu offered eagerly. Akatsuki’s objective was to collect the tailed beasts, but it didn’t mean that they hated their containers, or that the _jinchuuriki_ had to live a pathetic life until they were killed. That, and it was only polite to offer his services to the host of the party. Kakuzu shrugged and sat on the couch after grabbing a beer from the stack. He’d think about that matter later.

Naruto took a plateful of biscuits and joined Tobi and his candies just in time to see a black and white plant-like dude emerge from his floor while arguing with himself. Plant Dude stopped mid-conversation and uttered his name—Zetsu—to Naruto before walking to the potted plants near the window and starting to gossip with them.

Naruto shrugged and opened a beer from the stack before chugging it down. It did not faze him in the slightest. After all, his body burnt alcohol away thanks to the fox because it was perceived as a poison. He drank another couple of beer before he frowned. He really wanted to know why people wanted to get drunk but he couldn’t.

_Hey kit, _Kurama said from the back of his mind. _See what Hidan is drinking? _

Naruto looked around and focused on the Jashinist, who was savouring glass of a strong greenish liqueur. Naruto asked the fox through his mental link, _Yeah, so what?_

_That is the strongest liqueur. It’s almost strong enough to make a tailed beast drunk._ _Try it_, Kurama chuckles as he remembered the shenanigans he’d accomplished with his siblings when he had been far too young and slightly inebriated by that very same liqueur.

Naruto thanked the fox and decided to follow his advice. After all, an ancient demon ought to have some experience. He approached the Jashinist, “Yo!”

“What do you want, you dumb fuck?” Hidan grumbled, a slight slur already showing up here and there. Despite the poor choice of words, he there was no hate in his voice.

“Strong alcohol. This stuff” Naruto grinned and pointed to his beer before rubbing his stomach as if to suggest pregnancy and explaining, “has no effect on people with my special condition.”

Hidan cackled and passed him a bottle of his liqueur. “Suit yourself. If you die, it’ll be for Lord Jashin at least.”

Naruto sat next to him and began taking slow sips while his other guests entertained themselves.

Tobi was cooing at Zetsu and the potted plants while overloading his boy with sugar and alcohol. Kisame was blushing furiously as Itachi and Konan painted his nails a daring pink which, according to their inebriated mind, suited his bluish skin tone.

Kakuzu was watching Peppa Pig.

Kurama was cackling madly at the back of his container’s mind, and Naruto couldn’t help but let out a chuckle of his own. It was shaping up to be the best Halloween night he’d ever had.

“What’s so funny, uh?”

“I’m happy,” Naruto confessed, a grin making his way on his face, eyes partly closing in contentment, “You all barged into my house and included me in this party. You’re behaving like normal ninjas around me despite who I am. You’re warm as I imagine a family would be. Thank you.”

Hidan studied him, observed the strain on his face, the lone sad tear at the corner of his eye. He felt the fear of the approaching end he was so used to feel on the battlefield, but it was wrong here. Naruto had been ignored or mistreated by most of his village for eighteen years. It was natural that he feared the end of the party because then everything would revert back to before that very night. He’d feel alone and sad.

Hidan absentmindedly touched his hand to his cheek and smudged the tear away, fingertips rubbing against his face in a rough affectionate gesture—one that people would doubt a murder fanatic had. When he spoke, his voice was gruff, rough around the edge, but still somewhat soft, “Hey, none of that. You’re Naruto fucking Uzumaki. You’ve already allowed dangerous wanted criminals in your home and got them to cooperate, you can do whatever you want if you put your fucking head into it. It doesn’t have to end tonight.”

He leaned forward and pecked him on the lips.

Naruto blushed furiously and chugged down the rest of his drink before pouring himself another glass.

“Fuck, sorry.”

He incoherently mumbled something the Jashinist did not hear. “What?”

“I said,” Naruto downed the liqueur and poured himself another serving. He mustered up his inebriated courage and said in a slight stutter and an evident flush spread on his whiskered cheeks, “that you don’t have to apologise. I kinda liked it…”

Hidan grinned and stared at him, letting every feature and idiosyncrasy soak into his mind. He bared his teeth, light glinting on the glossy white surface, pink tongue showing through the shadows of his mouth, and his grin turned into a crazed smile. “Fucking murderously cute.”

He looked like a predator, but Naruto felt on par, as his equal, instead of his prey. He smirked, his trademark cute foxy smile plastered on his face and grabbed the collar of the Jashinist. “You’re so on.”

Naruto breathed on his cheek and down his neck, and every exhalation sent a shiver down Hidan’s spine. Their lips clashed together and parted. Their tongues slipped on top of each other like a boat in the ocean during a storm; they clashed in a battle for dominance, neither willing to lose to the partner, and yet at the same time both unwilling to win.

“Naruto, remember that training is in two days—” Kakashi, his teacher, said as he barged into his flat through the window.

_Shit_, Naruto thought as they broke apart from the kiss. Kakashi would certainly recognise the members. He nervously looked at his new guest, hoping that either he was drunk or he didn’t recognise the Akatsuki members for some miracle or for pure dumb luck.

Kakashi observed the guests carefully before his expressionless face broke morphed into his signature eye-smile one. “Oh, I didn’t know you were having a Halloween party. Your costumes are very well made though! They almost look like the real deal. You aren’t wearing a costume though, Naruto.”

Naruto laughed nervously. “Well, they kind of surprised me…”

“Well, care if I join?”

“Sure, the more the merrier after all,” he said, praying the Lord of Ramen that Kakashi would not find out who his guests really were.

“Yay! Tobi has a new friend!” Tobi cheered and jumped on Kakashi’s back. “To the cookie district, my perverted friend! Then to the Land of Beer.”

***

It was after the fourth bottle and several poorly-covert glances that Hidan and Naruto started addressing the big, pink elephant in the room. And no, they did not mean each other’s penis.

“So… Uhm… Fuck this,” Hidan said awkwardly, and Naruto snorted in amusement. “Oh, fuck you! I think that Jashin would approve. He’s very direct with his dislikes.”

“Approve of what?”

“Of you, you dumb fuck.”

“Your god talks to you?”

“Yeah. The funny thing is that people think I’m fucking lunatic because ninety percent of the time it’s about slaughter and pain.”

Naruto chuckled on his drink. “For the matter, the fox approves too.”

“Fuck, it sounds like we’re talking about our parents.”

“It does.”

It was after the sixth bottle they had that Hidan asked, “So, do you want to do it?”

“Do what?”

“Marry me. Now. The Jashinist way.”

“I don’t know. We haven’t really known each other for long. What does your _father_ says?”

Hidan grinned at the inside joke and closed his eyes, waiting for a response. “He said we should. What does _your father_ says instead?”

“He says we _must _and that it’d be funny. He also says that if we marry you’d be pardoned in this village because the law does not explicitly require a non-religious marriage. So yeah, loophole,” Naruto conveyed the fox’s words, lips stretching in a foxy grin, and let his prankster self free, “It’d annoy a lot of powerful people. Let’s do it.”

The rite was simple, abode by the alcoholic ninja’s and Jashin’s creed, and bloody, but not messy, as Naruto’s blood was drunk by Hidan, and vice versa.

Zetsu, as per Kakuzu’s suggestion for the inexpensive marriage, was used as a bouquet. The newlyweds, believing in the equity of roles, launched him across the room together.

Plant Dude landed on Tobi and Kakashi. They took it as a sign from fate and decided that the next year they would marry each other _and _Zetsu.

Preoccupied by the next wedding, Akatsuki decided to stop collecting the tailed beasts.

***

This is how Akatsuki became a wedding planning organisation.


End file.
